F is for Fallen Angel

I have been judged.

Not by God himself but by society and closer in my own world…my family.

I have been judged

I have been found unworthy by Christians and denying myself salvation unless I repent my
salacious ways.

In he eyes of some of my family I am a fallen angel. I have falling from grace and need to be redeemed.

In 2 Peter 2:4, it is said, “For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but cast them into hell and committed them to chains of gloomy darkness to be kept until the judgment …”

A Fallen Angel. What does that fallen angel 1term mean to you? For most people, almost no matter what religion or those that do not have a particular religion or do not believe in God, a fallen angel is an angel who sinned and was cast out of heaven.

I grew up feeling like an outcast. I ran with the persona for years that I was a good little girl. I was the obedient excellent kid because that is what everyone expected of me. I tried my best not to get into any trouble. I was dutiful, I was a superb student, I read my bible, I came home at curfew. I was everything they needed me to be.

The problem was, I was nothing like the person I pretended to be. Well, I was a good student and I did try my best to be a good person, but the secrets that I kept to myself I knew would give others a different opinion of me. I was afraid of what my family would think if they knew the real me.

Eventually I knew that I would disappoint them. I would prove to be nothing like they believed me to be and I dreaded the moment when that would come to pass.

When I came out as bisexual, I was called wicked by some members of my family. I had some family that supported me and t
hat made it a little easier. I knew though my family did not truly accept homosexuality andfallen angel it was a sin. My sister confirmed it for me when I proclaimed to my circle that I was bisexual. My older sister, on a public forum, told me that I was wicked, damned, going to hell and that I was taking my children with me. I was heart-broken. I brushed it off in front of everyone else but deep inside I was deeply hurt.

I tried to rationalize it. I told myself, “I understand. She wants to “save” me. Her religious beliefs tell her that she needs to help me or else I will go to hell. She cares about me and she loves me.”

Then it got worse. Some of the family that seemed to support me started using that I was bisexual against me when they were upset with me. They would say things like I was perverted, nasty and disgusting.

I would have second thoughts, feeling like I should never have pierced the façade that surrounded me. Maybe if I just took my secrets to the grave then none of this would have happened. My family would have never known. Yes, no one would have known but I would have continued with my miserable existence. I would never have lifted the burden that was holding me down.

So in the eyes of my family I am no longer the good and perfect child. I am the wicked and the damned. I am the fallen angel. Deep down I knew I was destined to fall. A person can only hide behind a mask for so long.

fallen angel 3

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3 thoughts on “F is for Fallen Angel

  1. Donnee, it really ticks me off that people think and feel they have the right to judge anyone else. I can imagine the hurt you feel when family members use your personal information against you. All of us worry about being hurt and/or rejected by the people we care about. I’m sorry some people proved your fears to be true.

    A favorite line: “feeling like I should never have pierced the façade that surrounded me.”

    Thanks for this heartfelt post, Donnee. xoA

  2. In one way or another, sometimes several, we are all open to being called ‘sinners’. Too bad, that’s what being human in a society of humans entails. Many of us consider that excessive ‘moral rectitude’ pushed on others is itself sinful; certainly it is not what Jesus practiced. Hold your head high, try to do what you consider right and humane, practice tolerance yourself as an example to others, live your own life. Well said and well written, good luck.

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