I attended a dinner with some of my fellow writers. It was going wonderfully. Yet I was waiting for the question of the night and eventually a new member to the group asked me.
“So what do you write?”
It was an innocent question. New writers asked us this all the time. I anticipated this question, but I knew that I loathed the many questions that would follow.
“I’m in an erotic romance writer.”
I saw their eyes and I knew they were already comparing me to E.L. James or considering me not a “real writer”. It comes with the turf. So I sat back and waited.
“Isn’t erotic romance and oxymoron?” He chuckled.
What is an oxymoron? An oxymoron is a figure of speech where two opposite or opposed words seemingly cancel each other out or would seem to be contradictory to each other like “walk slow quickly” or “cruel kindness”.
My first thought was that yes of course a man would ask me this. But I don’t want to be stuck on gender stereotypes. Yet there are a few men that believe romance and erotica are completely opposite from one another.
Well, I’m here to educate you and to tell you that you can have your romance and eat your cake too.
Let’s start with romance. What do we think romance is all about? When I think of romance I think of surprise feet rubs and candlelit dinners. I think of carriage rides to the park and cuddling on the couch together watching romantic comedies. To me romance is the intimacy that two people share that comes without sex.
Now think about erotic and erotica. When I think of erotic moments or erotica I think of the most sticky kinky, freaky sex that there is or just mind blowing sex in general.
Now let’s talk about women. Women (some women) prefer to be wined and dined before they have sex with a man, or woman. Women like a foot rub or a nice romantic bubble bath before they make love.
Women, some women, like to have romance before the mind blowing sex.
Now let’s talk about men. Men (some men) don’t need all of the romance. They would like to just get to the point. They will like to just get to the mind blowing sex. And there are some women who subscribe to the same mantra.
But there are men and women, however, who might have sex with you in the car outside of the restaurant right after that romantic candlelit dinner.
The moral the story that I am trying to tell you is that romance and erotica are not inherently opposed to each other. Some men and a good portion of women feel that they go hand-in-hand. Most men and some women who love romance and love all of flowers and the foot rubs and the candlelit dinners all want one thing in the end and that’s for romance to lead up to mind blowing sex.
I don’t subscribe to the old school mantra that if you are married your days of getting freaking and kinky are over. You can want romance and erotica at the same time. All I am trying
to say is that phrase or genre of erotic romance is not an oxymoron. You can have one, you can have the other or you can have both.
My choice when I write is both. And my choice when I am with my husband… Depends on how much time I’m willing to wait to have sex.