You remember when you were a child and you would play hide and go seek with your friends? They would lean against a tree with their arms covering their eyes as they counted.
“1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10. Ready or not here I come!”
They scrambled around looking behind trees, fences and anywhere else they thought you were hiding. There was always that one kid that no one could ever find when he hid. He was the undisputed master at hiding. Eventually everyone would just give up and that kid would come out smiling.
“I knew you wouldn’t find me.”
Well, when I was a child I was great at hiding. I hid who I truly was from my entire family, friends and anyone else I met.
I was good.
I was so good, I took up acting in school. I was in plays in Elementary, middle school and High school. I knew that I would be good. I had been acting my entire life hiding away my secrets..
I hid the fact that I was attracted to other girls, I hid the fact that I was severely depressed contemplating suicide on several occasions as well as “cutting” hoping to make the pain from depression go away. I hid this from my eight brothers and sisters and my parents.
I also hid my obsession with meeting older men online.
My favorite movie was Lolita…because I understood her.
When I was younger, I knew that I was very much attracted to boys…no wait. I was thoroughly attracted to older men. I remember being 14 and there was this man in his thirties writing me letters and dedicating songs to me. He would mail them to me and I would listen to them feeling flattered.
When I was 18, I had older men of every race asking me out and offering to buy me things. I was young, I was very pretty and…I was a virgin. I guess I was a hot commodity. One guy lived in Chicago and he paid for me to travel from Indianapolis to Chicago and spend the weekend with him.
I still left a virgin but I met this man online and it was a very dangerous thing for me to do. I could have been raped and murder yet there was something that drove me to do this.
It wasn’t until I was older, married and in therapy that I realized why I was doing all these things.
I craved attention. I was insecure and feeling overlooked in a family of 9 kids. My dad was in the house since the day I was born and he showed me all kinds of love…but it wasn’t enough.
I was a ticking time bomb. I was precocious, very much interested in sex and bisexual. They were all things that my family and the society that I lived in looked down on. Whom was I supposed to talk to? Whom could I get to give me guidance?
Therefore, I hid. I was a master at hiding my true self to a large amount of people.
I was a master and no one could find me.