For 20 years of my life I thought that if I touched my belly button I would die.
I am being absolutely serious when I tell you this. I was completely convinced that I would die and I made sure I never touched my belly button and I never cleaned it. (Gross).
Now, I was a very smart kid and I grew to be a very smart woman but I literally for 20 years believed I would die if I touched my belly button.
Now how did that notion get into my head?
She was the one who told her 9 kids this tale. Well I’m not sure if all 9 of us believed it but he it went as far up to my sister who is 8 years older than me. (That’s pretty far up.).
She was my mom so of course she wouldn’t lie to me… Right? I mean everyone I knew including her kids came to her for advice so of course she would be completely honest.
I know there were plenty of lies that my mom told us to either keep us in line, to cover up the fact that she could not remember or she just wanted to get us out of her face.
For example, she didn’t remember my sisters measurements at birth so she just made them up and the measurements she gave were so ridiculous I’m laughing just thinking about it. I mean it was something like “You were 30 feet long and your head was 20 inches).
My mom could always make us laugh…but not on purpose.
A lot of the time it was at her expense.
I remember that my mom was a terrible dresser. She could not put an outfit together if her life depended on it. One time my baby sister sent her back in the room to change.
“You’re not riding with me dressed like.”
“This doesn’t look cute?” she would say.
How do you tell your mother “Hell NO!”
My baby sister seemed to be the only one who didn’t have a problem with telling her and was the only one she would take that from.
She used to own this coat and hat that made her look like the undertaker from WWE. She also owned this wire like straw hat that was terrible. One time she made me mad and I cut a slit in the top and put it back. When she went to put it on…It just slid down her head and ended up around her neck. I laughed my ass off. She didn’t say anything until a few years later when she came up to me and said,
“I know you cut my hat.”
That just made me laugh more.
One time she had us all lined up on the couch and was screaming at us about the dirty dishes when she made this statement,
“I’m sick of there always being a cup full of sinks!”
We all realized her mistake before she did and when she noticed the snickering it dawned on her and she said.
“Whoever laughs is on punishment!”
Patt was the ultimate mother. No matter what we did she was always there for us. If there was one word that I would use to describe my mother it would probably be “Gangsta’”.
- My sister’s boyfriend’s mom had the audacity to call my sister a bitch to her face… And in front of my mom. Consequently she got slapped with a shoe.
- My sister’s boyfriend’s cousin came in my mom’s house and would not leave. I mom told him to leave he refused. She went into her room found my dad’s gun and began to shoot at him and anyone else that wouldn’t leave. (She was just trying to defend herself.
- In the same instance with the gun…she then told the people across the street who had like a million kids (No literally they had a million kids. There were so many a school bus would pull up at their house and pick up the entire family, whom filled up the entire bus, and drop them off at daycare, elementary, middle school, high school and college. They also had to live in two houses on our block. No Joke) my mom waved the gun at them and told them if they fucked with her kids again they would be next.
Today is my Mom’s birthday and so I wanted to share this anecdote with you. It’s obvious that I miss her and it’s obvious that even after 4 years I still grieve. Yet, I didn’t want to write a sad post, I didn’t want to write a post that will probably leave me crying. I just want to give you a little taste of who my mom was and why we all turned out the way that we did. My mom was smart, funny, A sacrificing and loving parent, a little kooky, a great wife, and in most cases a pit-bull… That lady was a crazy motherfucker and she didn’t take shit from no one.